#listen im not proud it took me almost a year to complete this drawing

[azolitmin]

Commission for Ethelune of their WOL and Zenos 🦋

[yaboyspodcastpalace]

4, 9, and 22 for the meta writers ask game? :O

4) Share a sentence or paragraph from your writing that you’re really proud of (explain why, if you like)

took me a while to choose bc ive got a complicated relationship w/ my writing in english but!! im pretty proud of this entire part of Give me hope in silence (it's easier, it's kinder) :')

He dragged him closer, held him closer, to keep him there, to try and keep him -and Tim wanted to laugh, if it wasn't so pitiful- safe.  Didn't he know? Wasn't he aware of how much he wanted to burn and drag the entire circus with him to Hell? To destroy everything so completely that it wouldn't leave a trace? Didn't he know he hated him?

Jon made a soft noise with the back of his throat and his eyelashes tickled Tim's face, and he had to push him for a second to take a deep breath, one, two, three, feeling a sting behind his eyes. He was angry, he was furious, and he Was going to die. No matter Jon's hesitant hands cradling his face, taking the excess of the beginning of a tear. No matter the awkward kiss he planted on his cheek, right below his eye. No matter the words that tried to come out of his mouth borne out of pain and regret and love, that hurt on his throat when Tim swallowed them with a kiss, questions that he couldn't and didn't want to answer.

And so he didn't, and they kept kissing as if tomorrow neither of them were going to die.

aaand the entire final part of the same fic:

Time later Tim didn't know if the light that filtered through the binds of the window were the streetlamps at the side of the motel or the sun that started making its way up, marking the beginning of the end, but it hardly mattered in that fragile moment that seemed to dilate in time. Jon had his face locked in Tim's neck, arms wrapped around his body as the slow rise and fall of his chest tempted Tim into going back to sleep, his own hands resting quietly on his back after absently drawing circles for a while.

He could hear Jon's voice from time to time, and despite lightly wondering if he was talking on his sleep, or if he was awake and thought Tim wasn't, (or if he was awake and Knew Tim, too, was awake and listening), he didn't say anything as he mutely pleaded for him to not die.

After that things were quiet. And peaceful, almost. And, for a moment, Tim desperately wished they weren't living through the calm before the storm.

i wrote this years ago but i still love... when the pov character repeats an emotion on the narration but their actions betray it? unreliable narrator bc they're too torn to be honest ;o;

also i love soft melancholic moments ;______; </3

9) Are you more of a drabble or a longfic kind of writer? Pantser or plotter? Do you wish you were the other?

technically speaking im more of a varying-degree-lenght one-shot person but only bc i just cant finish writing my long fics ;o; i do love planning and have long documents full of bullet points and timelines and dialogues but sitting down to write? 😬😬😬

i do wish i could be more spontaneous w/ my writing and like actually write prompt fics n stuff bc that looks fun :'D

22) Do you reread your old works? How do you feel about them?

YEAH of course i reread my own stuff bc nowhere else i can read the things i wanna read and also bc it fucks 😤💪💪💪

sometimes i reread my old, OLD stuff though, im talking about when i was 10 to 16, and i laugh bc its not... its not Good, exactly, but you can feel how much of my heart i put in it so i cant help but be charmed either way 🤗💞

[meta asks for writers]

[badboys-imagines]

Lie to me

Pairing : Tom, Reader

PART VIII

A/N : Sorry it took so long guys ! Hope you’ll like it ! xxx

Summary : A complicated story in which Y/N and Tom already know each other from work.

Y/N : Your Name

Y/L/N : Your Last Name

LIE TO ME MASTERLIST

Y/N's heart had stopped beating.

All she could hear was Tom's manager repetitively calling her name as she walked to the backstage.

For a moment, Y/N had to sit down.

This wasn't good. What was going to happen now ? Was she... fired ?

Her stomach became a ball of knots as she fidgeted with her fingers. Until she felt a strong hand gripping her shoulder.

"Y/N."

Oh god.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, Y/N looked up at Tom's publicist,

"Luke, I-I don't know wha-why it happened, it was completely..."

"Brilliant !" he exclaimed, finishing your sentence.

Behind him stood Tom, arms crossed against his chest. He didn't seem very proud and Y/N suddenly wondered why. After all, he’d gotten his revenge.

"What are you talking about ?" she asked, absentmindedly glaring at Tom.

"First of all, you’re definitely an artist on the rise, and... Well, a highly public relationship would only help bring more attention to all your amazing on-going projects, right Y/N ?"

Ah. Sweet Hell, no.

"Second," Luke continued, "Tom's career always get a bit of a boost when he's in a relationship. But if he was with someone like you, someone who is not a celebrity... It would be the Notting hill story of the year, do you understand ?"

Y/N did her best to remain calm,

"What are you suggesting ?" she scoffed, and after a moment, she finally spluttered, "Seriously ? You want us to... pretend we're together ? Luke, you know me, it’s so... not me."

Luke slowly nodded, causing her to make a face,

"Well, no." she promptly said.

"Everybody would love it ! Come on Y/N. At least, think about it. For one minute straight, just... think about it."

Y/N's wide eyes crossed Tom's exasperated gaze. Of course, Tom didn't want that to happen. It was clear on his face, Y/N knew him too well. But if she was being honest, the simple fact that Tom had lost control over the situation was very satisfying. Playing with her career and her dreams like they were kids was completely immature. So didn’t he deserve it, after all ?

"Luke, can I have a word with Tom in private, please ?" Y/N finally asked.

As soon as she did, Luke walked away.

Tom looked down at his feet, releasing a long sigh through his nose. Y/N stared at him, waiting for an explanation. When the slightest smirk crossed his lips, she threw her fist across his chest.

Before he could even talk, she growled,

"Now you listen to me, Hiddleston. How dare you ? You humiliated me in front of thousands of people, with no valid reason..."

"Humiliated ? I had a feeling you were enjoying it."

Again her fist landed across his strong chest, harder this time and Tom groaned,

"Fine, fine. I'm sorry, alright ? I know I went too far this time. Look, you were insufferable, Y/N. I was just trying to..."

"To what, Tom ? Destroy my career ? Because my heart wasn't enough, you had to mess up with everything." she uttered, drawing attention to them.

Tom froze, an unreadable expression on his face.

Y/N blinked in confusion, lowering the tone of her voice and avoiding his feral gaze.

"No more excuses." she said as calmly as she could, "Now, you're going to take responsibility for your actions, Tom."

It was his turn to be confused,

"What do you mean ?"

"What Luke said, we're doing it."

Tom chuckled, shifting his weight on one leg,

"You can't be serious." he shook his head, looking for a sign that she was just trying to scare him, but to the look on her face he understood it wasn’t a joke. 

"You owe me that. I won’t let you screw my dreams and hopes. You should have thought about this before you kissed me on TV, babe."

Tom frowned, clearly distraught,

"Don't... Don't call me that."

"Oh, really ? How about... baby boo ?"

Oh, she knew how he despised these little names. Right now, Tom was boiling.

"Y/N, we can talk about this. I'll make it up to you, I swear. I didn't realize what I was doing."

The young woman took a step toward him and without the shadow of a doubt, she wrapped her arms around his neck,

"Oh, but I like it this way, my sweet little boo."

"I'm not sleeping on your couch again."

Her body was now dangerously close to his. While mocking Tom was very funny, when Y/N saw the fire in his eyes, she almost melted. He hadn't moved a finger, he didn't need to. Electricity was already coursing through their bodies. Y/N felt her heart stutter, then stop. What was that ? How could she be so thirsty for revenge, yet into him at the same time, after all he'd done to piss her off ?

Tom looked deep into her eyes and they fell silent. Little by little, she noticed tiny details she hadn’t paid attention to before. The warmth emanating from his chest. His body and hers fitting so perfectly together. And he looked so serious now that...

"Amazing." Luke sighed behind their back, "I didn't know you were such a good actress, Y/N."

Y/N came back to her senses and noticed Tom's publicist was staring at them,

"Just..." Luke grabbed Tom's arm and pulled it around Y/N's waist, "here you go... Oh, and..." he pushed her even closer, just so her chest was pressing against Tom's.

Y/N blushed, avoiding Tom's gaze, but before she could protest, she heard the click of an iPhone camera.

"And this goes right to Tom's Instagram account."

Almost instantly, Tom took a step back, his eyes still on you. Sensing his reluctance, Luke patted his shoulder.

"You guys will thank me later. Oh, and Y/N, Abe wants to see you."

Shit, Abe.

Luke knew how to tame her. He just had to say the boss’ name.

"Great..." she muttered, a whole new ball of knots forming in her stomach.

Tom seemed to realize he'd gone way too far this time and he gave her an apologetic look.

"Y/N..." he whispered.

But she'd already turned her back to him.

-

Italics means your tag’s not working !

Lie to me tag list

@medussaurora, @nataliehasgrace, @hakuoyuki, @msclifford, @im-not-having-your-baby, @toaster-strudel-witch, @midnight-queen-1, @hufflepuff-flufflepuff, @irinabatsy, @hiddlestoner3059, @lilyrosebae, @sarahivi, @kirstieflowerslove-blog, @veerniks, @kasiarella, @honey-anon, @dormousse, @keenkryptonitedelusion, @devilbat, @addyliners, @islaylivesinshire, @little-me13, @talinalani, @nwmtagsb, @aaminah12, @super-who-locks-world, @acidic-nectar, @smexylemony, @sebstaned-loki-ed, @theojjjames, @cookies-and-cream-forever, @jamilelucato, @mikithekiki, @alizayalove, @marveloushiddles, @goodbyebabes, @hiddlestonstansworld, @jozza1bro, @lokilvrr​, @multifandomdump​, @diana-parker02​, @toastystrudleblr​, @hiddlestaan​, @thundermaximoff, @naniky​, @midnightdragonzero​, @yokaimoon​, @amilkypiggy​, @save-the-sky​, @okissidehoe, @aaminah12​

[pantsusnifferr]

I’m gonna be hella honest here, 2020 wasn’t the drastic life changing year i had hoped it’ll be.

Now its a tradition, well maybe, not really. Who knows...

Let’s start with the goals which ive accomplished in 2020 yeah?

Have less regrets Live more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone Be hardworking, be brave Work hard for the company Rekindle ties to the ones important to me Start working on my YouTube channel for company Study hard Be more confident, be more social Be a nicer and kinder person

Yes i definitely have had lesser regrets overall, i learnt that listening to that gnawing feeling in my gut is one of the few things that will lead me to get less regrets. Perhaps that’s an indication of something that you really want on the inside. Many times this year i just took a leap of faith and made decisions on the fly, going out of my way many times just to do the things i wanted to do. The me a year ago would never have done any of these things, let alone spend any money or time into such ‘frivolous’ activities.

Lets go through some of the highlights for my accomplished goals.

1. Bought Airshow tickets on impulse and rented camera lenses just because i had a shot i wanna get. 

Ended up getting that money shot and feeling pretty accomplished. It was nice to meet up and connect with fellow aviation enthusiasts and friends from my Air Force days, but i still felt like i didn’t fit in. Oh well, i didn’t regret anything. I set my mind to a thing i thought would be fun and challenging and i did it!

2. Trespassing into the green corridor for an assignment during the circuit breaker 

haha...Definitely isn’t worth the trouble in the end due to shitty unusable footage and total lack of input when it comes to the editing process. BUT STILL, the feeling of walking through thick jungle and jumping over construction barricades and barriers in the middle fo some goddamn forest just to get some footage is an experience nonetheless! Shitty teammates, good thing we managed to pull through and made some friends along the way. Wasn’t worth it, but i didn’t regret the experience one bit.

3. Got into more active activities with an open mind. 

Went to the gym with friends a lot more and tried to lead a healthier lifestyle, cycling, hema classes (more about that in a bit) The me from a couple of years ago would definately never give this idea a shot. Running at least once a week, keeping track of my health, all these made me feel a lot better. I should really get into it more though.

4. Hema classes
. 

Never thought swinging swords around can be that much fun! And i almost didn’t want to show up because i had a sudden surge of social anxiety in the morning before. Glad i powered through that to get to that class that october aternoon. I was mostly on autopilot, depressed and wanting more...but for the last few months of the year, hema classes gave me something to look forward to, and this really changed up my entire outlook then. I suppose having a newfound hobby you never knew you liked changes people for the better.

5. Going out of my way many many times just to help out a friend. Or just to hang out. 

I remember being too lazy to go out and have fun. Too lazy to wanna get up to get something done even with friends. Installing internet access points, cleaning up rooms, setting up laptops etc. Perhaps its the large amount of FOMO i’ve started to develop, or maybe its just me sick of being a sad loney wreck. Who knows, all i know is its a blessing to have friends and i am so glad that they’re willing to give me their time of the day as well.

6. Making videos for work. 

I didn’t HAVE to do this. Autopilot at work is a scary thing, its my own company and i could’ve done so much more... but i didn’t... or rather i couldn’t. I don’t remember what came over me and how i manage to find the willpower to shoot the videos then edit them over a few days. And i have no idea how i managed to actually follow through with it and get the damn thing edited. Not my proudest work, but damn am i proud of myself for actually doing the thing!

7. Keeping at it for school and not giving up.

Statistics, the killer module. Logistics, another killer one. I studied so so hard for it, i thought i was going to fuck it up like how i fucked up my assignments. But I am so so so glad that it paid off. Taking days of work to study is the correct move and i am so glad i had the discilpine to stick with it. Haha discilpline i said, more like letting the panic set in untill i find myself studying as if my life depended on it. But still, an A and a B+ feels really great though. My first A, that’s still something to celebrate for! Thanks for helping, you know who you are!

8. Giving more of a shit for my company

Im a little undecided about whether i should put this under the part about having no regrets. I am happy with the money and growth we’ve got in our company, alongside the many happy customers ive got, I still somehow felt that i have struggled so much and had a lot more anxiety and stress as compared to the previous years. Perhaps i just need to chill. Although i don’t doubt the fact that taking more responsibility does indeed make things less mundane. Appreciate the increase in pay and bonuses though.

9. Spent quality time with family

I used to have this feeling whenever i am around my cousins, these are the people whom i’ve grown up wit,h and who i used to consider really close friends. I just felt that over the years we have just became different people altogether. They’re normies with normal hobbies, living their lives normally and successfully while im just a weird outsider.

Im somewhat glad that we managed to find some common ground in gaming and our talking sessions. Attending their wedding is a weird feeling but im still somewhat glad that a part of them is still the same on the inside. We might not be as close anymore but im still happy that they treasured the times and memories we had just the same as i did. Lets hope i’ll not fuck it up and i’ll need another chance to rekindle this relationship. Still, them being more successful in life and work still gives me this crazy inferioty complex around them.

Talking with my mom has given me a lot of peace of mind. I am so glad that I have a responsible parent and business partner who shares the same values as i do. Makes things a lot less stressful to know that she’s got my back.

10. Became more social

Yep, went out of my comfort zone many times to talk to people and help out when i could! Its always good to do the kind thing and reach out, when i’d just brush it off as someone else’s problem previously. I am really proud of myself for this.

Now for the goals ive failed. Start work on my personal YouTube channel Join the weeb club to find more gamer weeb friends Learn weeb speak Be healthy Learn 2 songs on bass guitar or ukulele Draw at least once a month (I did but they’re not completed art)

Oof, i don’t know perhaps its the lack of time or the lack of effort. Maybe i’ve been putting in so much effort into the other things i don’t have the mental energy to process these. Perhaps i don’t want it bad enough...

Art and drawing in particular has been really bad. I want to be good at drawing so badly but i really just can’t be arsed to practice. Music too.

I think i am definately healtheir than before but i am nowhere near where i should be. Gotta step up!

Now here’s what i wanna do for the next year

Keep healthy, Lose weight! Be even more social! Start work on personal youtube channel Learn ONE SONG on any instrument Draw at least twice in the next year! Live even more, experience more, get out of the comfort zone more! Be hardworking, be brave

[troop-scoop]

About my mental health and this asshole im about to talk about

The background:

Ever since I was really little I was bullied by the kids who were in my grade, or even above or below me, for things like my hair, skin, looks, to my emotions, and the things I liked. 

Due to this, I developed anxiety, depression and mental health problems, I also have a huge trust issues and self confidence issues in everything about me. 

I didn’t have many friends growing up, and because i’m a girl my ADHD went undiagnosed for a really long time, which worsened my depression and anxiety. I had people who said they’d be there for me, but when things got bad, they dipped. So I have problems with abandonment.

The school system FAILD me terribly. I was on the 504 plan and it never helped. Teachers were never patient with me, telling me that I didn’t have ADHD because I was a girl and ‘it only affects little boys.’ those are the words of my English teacher senior year of high school. They never understood that I was truly trying, but that I needed more help. They never gave it to me. 

In short, I have a lot of trust issues, confidence issues, anxiety, depression, and ADHD which makes it hard to function a lot of the time compared to others who can easily be confident in their writing, edit it, format things for it to be understandable, post it and be proud of the work. 

That is in no way saying that my mutuals on here who write have it easy, no writer does, and not every writer is completely confident in their writing, and I’m in no way saying I have it worse, but it does take me longer. 

The asshole:

I started my blog back in either freshman year or sophomore year of high school, I don’t remember, but I remember being 15, and the first thing I ever posted (Which you can no longer find) was about a video game that I was having a lot of fun playing because I just got it as a gift from my sister. 

Almost immediately tumblr became my safe space, because I could escape life, and the fact that I was practically fighting with my parents to go to therapy because I was having suicidal thoughts, and I knew I needed to get help. 

I wasn’t very active on this blog, occasionally reposting stuff and very rarely making my own posts. But in late 2018 I changed my blog to make it GOT themed, and this is when I had my first brush with an anon who was really rude about the fic I was writing at the time that I was super proud of. They made fun of how it wasn’t edited, and how it was bad. 

I ignored it. 

and the anon continued. Always leaving the initial ‘j’ like some fucking game from Pretty Little Liars. 

And I took a break in early 2019 from tumblr for ‘social anxiety’ when it was really this asshole who told me no one wanted me on here. I always deleted and ignored the asks. 

They persisted after I came back, and my mental health plummeted even more, but I had like two mutuals then who I didn’t say anything to, but who were nice to me, and I liked posting the chapters of my fic.

Then I redid my blog again to be ST related. This fucking asshole followed, but I didn’t know that for awhile. A few months ago I posted a picture that is now deleted, of myself. 

My hair was frizzy because I have curly/wavy hair that I brushed out, the lighting was wack because it was 9 pm, and I talked about how I irritated my skin to the point where smiling hurt. My skin was red, puffy and dry and I felt comfortable enough to share that, and the fact that I have really sensitive skin. 

These are the asks I received soon after. 

I kept these, as well as one other that I JUST received. 

The ability to stoop so fucking low to someone’s looks, is cruel. I have no control over how my face turned out, or the fact that I can’t use certain brands on my skin because it’s sensitive. I have dealt with this type of shit since I was little, and I’m not gonna put up with it anymore. 

Listen, you little cunt bitch, I know you’re reading this, and this:

Is unacceptable, and rude, and it does hurt, I’m not gonna lie. But you know what? Therapy helped me, and I know how to deal with a fucking bully now, I know how to stand up for myself. 

You’re hiding behind anon, and if you want one more ask, I will turn anon asks off, which is unfair to every person who has valid reasons for going on anon, like being too nervous or anxious or whatever the fuck to talk to me or request things. 

Remember the time you made fun of me because I posted a drawing on here? A sketch of Max Mayfield? remember you called me lazy for not being able to write? 

I’m not a fucking printer, I’m a human being, I have feelings and emotions, I have other interests than putting my words into pixels, and drawing is a huge coping mechanism, I use it to relieve stress, and it helps with my ADHD and anxiety, allowing me to feel more at ease, and not like I need to be working on something or running/hiding. 

Remember when You told me I should kill myself? Or when you said I was probably fat because I talked about wanting to lose weight back in 2019? Right well, I don’t owe you an explanation as to why I wanted to lose weight, or why I don’t proof read/ edit, or why I put ‘more’ effort into my drawings that my writing. 

Do it again, asshole, I fucking dare you, I will turn off anon and then you wouldn’t have just ruined anon privileges for people who need it, but you’ll no longer be able to do shit, and the moment I see an ask with a real username signed ‘j’ I will report you, and block you, as well as @ you on this post so others know to steer clear of your hateful ass. 

Learn not to be a major cunt, - Amollia​ Or Molly :)

[nctzanne]

Bet. Eric (The Boyz) x Reader

Okay so hello everyone! FIRST IMAGINE, ONE-SHOT, WHATEVER IS CALLED FINALLY UP GUUURL. Yes, it took some time and i just feel like i squeezed my brain for this one. I really really hope you like it.

Dont go too harsh on me, remember im just starting and i need to learn more about how to be a better writer. 

So, about this little story, main characters are Eric from The Boyz and you babies, of course.

Warnings: I ALWAYS tend to write Reader like a really cursing person, so if you dont like it, please tell me when you send your requests. 

//SMUT, FLUFF// 

Enjoy!

━━━━━━ ✿  ❀ ━━━━━ ━━━━━━ ✿  ❀ ━━━━━

Everybody knows how you feel when Eric is around you. And you can swear he feels the same way, at least you can tell by how your relationship is with him Always being so soft, holding hands, telling how much you miss eachother. But that is what friends do sometimes, right?

Hwall laughs loudly at that statement, making you blush almost instantly.

-Please tell me if you see me doing that with Sunwoo, and maybe i’ll believe you- He smiles at you, tilting his head to the side- I’ll prove you that he loves you nuts, i will wait for the perfect opportunity-

And so did he. His plan started with a normal conversation in Hyunjae’s place. Eating fried chicken and watching horror movies with your 12 favorite boys seemed a pretty good atmosphere to be closer to Eric. His arms holding you tight enough so you cant move, your head resting on his neck, fitting perfectly. His smell, sweet like cinnamon, is driving you crazy. You move your eyes towards his face, only seeing it from below. He looked so inmersed in the movie, the TV light making his features pop even more, his sharp jawline tensing because of the scary plot, his mouth slightly open makes you lick your lips. You feel little butterflies in your tummy when he starts rubbing your hips with his thumb. Suddenly, clothes become a huge barrier between his skin and yours.

Jacob’s scream makes you wake up from your daydreaming, while Eric jumps due to his friend’s overreaction. You all burst into laugh. He is not a good company when it comes to seeing those kind of movies.

-Hey, dont laugh at me. I dont have anyone to hug me when im scared- He hugs his pillow, you can see him pouting slightly. You giggle, blushing a little when Eric turns to look at you, you could swear that he can see the pink color of your cheeks.

-That’s right!- Hwall grabs this opportunity to start his beautiful mission, making you and Eric see how much you love eachother. - Y/N and Eric are stuck to eachother like they are glued or something- He points at you, and Eric grabs a pillow to throw it at him, letting go a nervous laugh.

-I bet that you can’t be a day without touching eachother- says Changmin without moving his eyes from the TV’s screen. He doesn’t seem to be playing, actually, he looks very serious.

You gasp too loud, and instantly separate your body from Eric’s, making you feel empty.

-Of course we can- Eric says with a playfull voice. He loved to do this, bet and win- We won’t touch eachother today, and if we win, you will buy icecream for the two of us everytime we want this month-

Wow, so that’s it? That’s how easy it was for him to stop having some kind of physical contact with you? You feel a tiny knot in your throat and you try to swallow it.

-Okay, lets do it- Hwall smiles at you and winks.

━━━━━━✧♛✧━━━━━━

Actually, it was easier than what you thought. Having a good time with Hyunjae and Sunwoo made it all better. While the other ones were playing videogames, the three of you decided to play Jenga.

-Look, look, its going to fall. Im 100% sure- You start doing some mental pressure on Hyunjae, letting go an evil laugh. And you were right.

Sunwoo and you start laughing, throwing your bodies to the floor. Exagerating the situation and seeing Hyunjae’s face makes the moment priceless, and your stomach starts to hurt.

-OKAY, it isnt that big deal. I will eat that chili pepper, BUT YOU CAN’T RECORD IT- Hyunjae says and he walks to the kitchen.

While laughing, you feel a cold finger poking your cheek. You turn around, facing Eric’s little body frame. You can feel how his eyes are checking your whole body, making you shiver. “I’ve never seen Eric looking at me like that, what is wrong?”

-I need to talk to you, just a few seconds. It’s important- His deep voice makes you get up unconsciously from your chair, wanting to grab his hand. But hell no, you just can’t do it. If you lose the bet, it’ll better be by his touch and not yours.

You both walk to the hall that separates Hyunjae’s bedroom from the living room. You gasp too loudly when Eric grabs your wrists with enough strenght to pin you against the wall, making a loud sound. You suddenly become scared that the sound was going to draw the attention of the boys, but you can’t deny that this is giving you an intense and delicious adrenaline

You can see in front of you a whole new Eric, a side of him you’ve never seen. He was looking and you with lust and a pinch of darkness in his eyes, licking his lips. You can compare him to an animal who is about to eat his food, and that food was you.

-I just couldn’t...- Eric is interrumpted by your hands touching the skin covered by his white t-shirt. He shivers, surprised by the courage you had to make the second move. You can feel his constant goosebumps while touching his abdomen, and how his breathing start to become gasps.

You are needy. You need his body close to yours, and now the waiting was killing you. You don’t even care about nothing else but the effects that your hands provoque in Eric’s body.

You can see that he starts to lose his mind, pressing his body harder against yours. You can feel him, the bulge covered by dark brown jeans, almost begging for release. The sudden contact to your stomach makes your pussy start pulsating slowly, feeling your underwear wetter.

-Just kiss me already- you whisper, his face is too close so you can feel his hot breath covering your face. It was in a fast move that he collided his plump lips against yours, without even opening them. It was like a 14 year old’s kiss, on those times when you liked someone but were too innocent to know what kissing was about.

But Eric couldn’t wait any longer, so he slowly started to open his mouth, giving you full access to it. You dont think about it twice and insert your tongue, exploring every corner of his wet cavity, driving you crazy the way he tries to twirl his tongue against yours. You invite him to enter in your mouth and he doesn’t protest, grabbing you lightly by the back of your neck to pull you closer, if it’s even possible.

It didn’t take that long to lose your self-control. But a little side of your brain didn’t want to get caught while making out with Eric.

-Eric, lets go somewhere else- you mumble between the sloppy kisses. He only nods, never breaking the kiss, and pushing you with him towards Hyunjae’s bedroom.

He throws you to the bed, making you fall on your back and bouncing on the mattress as he begins to take out his clothes, not even taking a break. You follow his steps and you can finally feel his skin against yours. This, adding the tongue kisses that he is giving to you in your neck, makes you moan, loudly enough for Eric to listen. He laughs deeply.

-So needy, i like that- it feels like he has changed his voice completely, now is almost like a growl coming out of his throat. You moan again as an agreement.

His hands start to roam all over your body, but skipping all the places you need them to be. You start moving under his touch, desperately trying to get more and more of him.

He understands your intentions and pleases you by kissing your breasts, painfully slow, You arch your back so he can use his whole mouth to make you feel good, and oh my god he knows how to do it. When he bites your left nipple you let go a whimper, that makes him grip your hips tighter and bringing you closer to him.

At the slightest touch of his crotch hidden inside his boxers with you damp underwear, you both sigh and look into eachothers eyes. His sweaty forehead and swollen lips makes you crave him even more, and you give him the signal.

-I just cant wait any longer, please, skip the foreplay. Im ready.- You would be so embarassed if you were lucid enough to hear what you’re saying and how, but fire is burning your weak body and only Eric could make you scape from it, taking you to the clouds.

He rips off your panties, takes his boxers off and without warning, you can feel his dick inside of you, making you bite your lower lip in pain. He groans, resting his head in your chest while you can feel his breath tickling your skin. He is waiting for you to make the first movement so he doesn’t hurt you.

-You feel so fucking tight, Y/N-This makes you tighten even more around his cock, and you feel proud on how his body twirls on response.

When you feel that pleasure takes off all the pain, you begin to rub your hips against Eric’s, making his cock move in circles inside of you. That hits the exact spots you wanted, and you can feel that Eric is enjoying it too.

Between groans, moans, little neck bites and back scratches, he starts pounding on you with no mercy, both of your bodies colliding with eachother making slapping sounds. Oh, everything is so filthy, and it only makes the knot in your stomach grow.

He starts stroking your hair and speaks with an inaudible voice covered by whimpers: -Baby, im coming, please tell me you’re close too-

That nickname doesn’t even let you answer, you just scream his name while collapsing in pleasure, shaking your body and closing your eyes. He chases his own orgasm by watching you fall apart because of him, filling you with his seed and slowing his pace because of the overstimulation.

Now the room is in silence, just the both of you trying to catch some air and looking at eachother without saying a word.

There’s nothing to be said, actually. You just fucked your best friend, and it was the best damn thing that could ever happened. You smile because of your thoughts and he smiles in return, leaving a peck on your lips.

Still inside of you, and realizing the uncomfortable position he was in -in the edge of the bed, almost kneeling on the floor, making his muscles sore- he rests his body by letting it fall against yours, not crushing you of course.

-We just lost the bet- he finally breaks the ice, making you giggle.

-We? You couldn’t keep your hands to yourself- You raise an eyebrow as soon as he looks up at you, with a cocky smile.

-Tell me you didn’t enjoy it. Unless you were screaming my name so i dont forget it and, believe me, I wont- You slap him on his shoulder. Now he seems more Eric than ever, being childish and ruining the best moments.

You stroke his blonde and sweaty hair, forgetting about everything that is going on outside. On how the guys are still watching the movie and the problematic situation that you are into because you decided to fuck in Hyunjae’s bed.

-You don’t know how much i wanted to make you mine, T/N- Eric makes you wake up from your thoughts, blushing instantly.

-I’ve always been yours, Eric. You were just to blind to see it-

Eric answers you by pnly kissing your cheek and smiling like an idiot. Your idiot

And, now you just can admit that you lost the bet. But icecream will never be as sweet as Eric’s lips.

[beccashapiro94]

Past Truths

Today I watched a youtube video on complicated grief . ( complicated grief is basically when the griefing process becomes abnormal by complicated feelings around the death , such as survivor guilt , trauma unhealed with person that died , or great anger of death . the other difference is that complicated grief intrudes on life where as grief helps you get past the loss) When i listened to it all i could think about was the day my dad died . ( i mean obviously i would draw back to that .)

To say my relationship with him was complicated is an understatement for sure. He was the only one who listened to all my rantings and who let me be truely me ; but than would knock me down in an instant with his quick wit and zappy one liners . He also believed in me but never thought i’d amount to anything all at the same time. I also idolized him , I didn’t realize this until he died . Once he was gone it was like my soul died a bit and than E.D. who was always in my dad’s voice took his place completely even while pregnant. ( E.D. is at least what most of us with eating disorders call our eating disorder , obvious i know but some people do get confused because i pronounce it like a name of a person Edd .)

Back to the youtube video it said some of the reasons someone can have complicated grief one of those was you were not able to grief at the time due to planning the funeral or being strong for someone else . For me i was 6 months pregnant at the time and it was a complicated one. Gestational diabetes, Preeclampsia, and my liver was basically failing . I saw the body , everyone told me not to when i got there but i had too i just couldn’t believe it until i saw . It was traumatic to say the least . it reminded me of when my dad had been rushed to a hospital and had emergency surgery for very bad peritanitis ( infection of the pertanium from home dialysis) and bowl blockage . When he came out of surgery they had to put him in a medically induced coma and on machines i was holding my dad’s hand when that happened and i saw the fear and panic in his eyes and than they suddenly went dead i saw all that was him leave and i guess i seemed frantic because the nurse rushed me out and said the vending machine has snack still .

Now i saw him really with no life , at least when they medically induced him a machine made his chest move up and down. This wasn’t a movie set or t.v. show he had rigamortis and was sitting on the couch when he died they put him on the floor but was still in a seated position. ( they moved him as it was obviously natural causes he had terminal cancer, dialysis, and oxygen for copd) I burst out of his apartment unable to really speak but tears flowing and had to call my sister and my mother and sign things for police and emts that part is all a blurr now i just know i must have done it .

That same hour ed came back in my head from a 9 month vacation. How can you eat at a time like this ? Sure there is a baby inside you but who cares you need to kill yourself . ( yea he gets real dark) but i had to put everything aside i couldn’t think of my dad with out almost having a stroke ( blood pressure wise ) so i focused all my energy on being pregnant and the baby and i kept telling myself ill grieve later . Than once my son was born he was in NICU and we didn’t know when or if he’d come home, so again i said i will grieve later . Than i got an infection in my csection and just one surgery after the other even now i’m waiting for another surgery that has to happen to remove a cyst and scar tissue .

so i’ve realized the reason i still cry instantly when i even dare think my dads name i just turn into a puddle of tears is i have never grieved but im unsure also if i wish too. I loved my dad with all my heart , but he is a huge chunk of my self esteem issues and eating disorder issues . When my mom left i had to live with my dad and he thought i was super overweight the year before i had been molested and did gain quite a lot of weight. . His solution any time i ate anything he would yell at me about how fat i am ;he would repeatedly not pack me enough for lunch or a lunch at all and never gave me lunch money. I was bullied to the point of sucidal ideation for my weight and instead of being a soft spot to land he would just say well they are just saying what they observed don’t like it loose the weight . He also thought i was slut . I remember specifically that once i told him i saw an ex at the grocery store and he stated quite point blank “ bet that happens all the time since you’ve slept with most of Austin” . Anytime ED speaks in my head it is always my father’s voice.

On the flip side my dad was always the one who understood me. He admired that even though kids made fun of me for being jewish i never wavered in being proud of it. I knew three languages he loved it . I was smart and witty like him . We had the same humor and same likes . I am definitely the attitude of my mother but the presence and likes of my father. My father was an amazing story teller and writer and while i lack in both somewhat i got all this from him. He was a learned man as my rabbi would say and while i don’t have a degree yet most people think i’m knowledgeable in a lot of subjects. My dad was an amazing man.

I’m conflicted with these feelings and that is why i have no clue whether i will ever grieve properly. I can never hear him say i’m sorry for the trauma and pain he has inflicted; i will never get to apologize for just seeing him as a human with faults and not as some all knowing being i had to be like .

while the tears flow ,

have a wonderful day beautiful people

[alotta-lovin]

HEY UHHH--- look for some Fan-kids from me here soon---

The fan-kids no one asked to see but are gonna get em anyway.

The Info no one asked for either!

Four in total.... so yeah.

(Daniel) Danny Gash Ampora :

(He/Him/His)

First born, Was named by Cronus. used to bite people he liked....and took after his dad a bit and used to bite nurses if he found them pretty--- and not just light biting. like. draw a bit of blood biting. Used to bite his dad often when he was younger because he was a daddy’s boy. was very hyperactive, wouldn’t sit still, so Cronus and i both learned to push his hair back and dress him in under 5 minutes for both so he could go play.

His style is like.... the 1980's “Bad boy” look, Billy Idol is a idol figure to him--- as a form of rebellion though honestly i would’ve taken him to a hair place to get it don he died his hair, and pierced his ears. and will only let me call him by his first name and refuses to let Cronus call him anything other than Gash. is tall--- takes after his dad in that aspect.

Is actually good at singing, insecure--- Will easily start throwing punches if anyone says anything about his younger siblings or his parents.

- “can i watch something other than grease...PLEASE?”

- “No, only Mom can call me Danny, Dad. YOU CALL ME GASH!”

- “M O M ----- WE DON’T TALK ABOUT THAT PLEASE--- NOT IN FRONT OF MY FRIENDS.”

Jillian Teresa Ampora :

(She/Her/Hers)

Second born, is five years younger than Danny, used to say disturbing things at the dinner table that she learned such as “Did you know there’s enough blood in the human body to fill a whole bucket?” and would sit there very proud with a big grin across her face as everyone else was very---- confused and blind-sided by such info. and no one knows where she got such info when most of the time it was Cartoons, Grease or Ghostbusters or old movies she was watching.

She is short but is still taller than her mother. looks like she is the youngest of the four. is easily entertained, got her sarcasm habits from her mother, still full of weird facts that she will randomly blind-side you with. her style is everywhere, one day it'll be girly to an extent like a t-shirt with a overalls dress, then the next shes going to wear what she wore to bed that night for the rest of the day or she will steal her brothers t-shirts and wear some jeans. that or steals one of her dads sweaters that he doesn't wear anymore.

Long. ass. hair. Often in a braid or pony-tail. has a bit of a lisp; will listen to just about anything but prefers old music more than anything. is very oblivious to anyone liking her or flirting with her, if she were to be dating someone she would still be the person to think “i hope they like me--” or if she were to ever get married she would be the person to think “i hope they love me”.

That one friend you have to watch because you know she is the child of the group and will more than likely wonder off and get lost and be completely fine with it while everyone else is flipping their shit even if she has no idea where she is.

Is the type of person to walk up to someone and give them a flower and tell them their pretty no matter what gender or who ever they are, will even do this to animals and put flowers on their collars or something of that nature.

- “M O M, GUESS WHAT?! I love you ♥”

- “Wait--- Whatta mean they were flirting with me??? Thats a thing? i didn’t know i could be flirted with---”

- “I told a man he was pretty today, he told me to “Get bent”. He seemed nice.”

Elijah Michael Ampora :

(Mostly He/Him/His but dgaf)

21 months younger than his older sister BUT is four minutes older than his twin brother, Was almost named Kenickie. Constantly being Mom’s shadow, likes holding hands and if he could while he was younger he would do nothing but cuddle his mother and sleep. that or if they were out and about he refuses to let go of her hand or wonder off. h a t es haircuts.

Often him and Jilian are braiding each others hair or brushing one each others hair, Heck will often be caught singing with Jilian too. still a good kid, has Anxiety but if anyone were to give Jilian a sour look while she is looking away or finds out someone is talking about her in a bad way you best bet that he’s not the only brother you will be dealing with on her behalf. Will ironically listen to “Never gonna give you up” With Jilian and his Brothers, His brothers think its just for shits and giggles but him and Jilian genuinely like the song.

Taller than his older sister, and mom, Close in height to Danny and Dad.

If he has a crush on someone he will give them a small plant in a tiny pot he painted and just walk away. no context. no letter just. “Heres a tiny Cactus and im not gonna tell you what it means but i hope you’ll get the point because of the tiny heart on the pot...please don’t make me say it”.

More than likely is just as oblivious to having feelings being the same when it comes to someone liking him that he likes. and will easily become very blushy--- Takes after his father when hes flustered his ears slightly wiggle and slightly seems to “puff up” and cant form a proper sentence.

- “.....Mom...dad wasn’t helpful with this sort of thing and i didn’t understand a word he said about this...but...How do i tell this person i like how i feel without actually saying it or telling them?--”

- “JILLI I FOUND REALLY PRETTY FLOWERS THAT WOULD LOOK REALLY PRETTY IN YOUR HAIR!”

- “tf you mean it’s weird for guys to have long hair? Guys can rock long hair just as well as girls can. just like girls can rock short hair like guys can--”

Lucas James Ampora :

(He/Him/His)

Looks up to Danny and his Dad...a lot. always wanted to be like his Dad when he grew up for the most part...with hints of his brother. always has enjoyed painting his nails and still does.

As he got older he tried being good at flirting...But its more so the awkward kind of flirting and pickup lines like; “ I am not drunk, I’m just intoxicated by you.” or “Remember me? Oh, that’s right, I’ve only met you in my dreams.”, Really likes “Jesse’s Girl”

Bomber jackets/Jean Jackets n’ Old t-shirts are cool. Fuck yeah tons of necklaces too. Cant forget the bracelets either!

Crystals and witchy things interest he got from his mother mostly--- Really into the whole Tarot card reading. More than likely bound to back Danny up in a fight.

- “OH UH--- MOM. DAD. I HAD DANNY PIERCE MY EARS OKAY BYEEE”

- “ DANNY! Chill, Karma is gonna kick their ass if someone else doesn’t do it first, Chill. lets go home and make sure that you’re cleaned up before mom starts asking questions and where the kid lives so she can kick their ass personally---”

- “ M o m...Please don’t dear god mom its just a teacher thing, i’ll deal with it. YEAH HE IS AN ASS BUT PLEASE FOR THE LOVE OF GODS DON’T START ANYTHING WITH HIM---”

Sooo--- Uhhh... Yeah. Um.... Theres another one for an AU for Gun Powder n’ Flower Petals... I’ll do her info in a minute. so..... Yeah. Enjoy that.

But in the mean time heres the four kids for Future Fish n’ Chips/ Kinda Fan-kids AU?

I dunno. But yeah.

I’m currently Drawing the kids for Fish n’ Chips first...then ill draw the kid for Gun Powder n’ Flower Petals. So look out for those nifty kids.

[odderancyart]

The Cherry Chronicles pt. 5

AO3

First Last Next

Warnings: Past abuse, PTSD, Self-hatred

Summary: Another Sans appears in Underfell. The only problem, except getting him home, is that this one’s showing signs of abuse, and is terrified of Papyrus. 

The two familiar faces were staring at him. Frowning.  Eye sockets dark. Not that terrifying blankness, lifelessness, but dark. Cherry shook, and he felt sweat drip down his face. His mind was in shambles. He hadn’t even been able to focus on the food out of pure nervousness and fear of what was to come. His breathing was short, it coming in gasps. He clawed on the floor, trying to find something to hold onto. The carpet. Gathering it in his claws he focused on the texture. It was soft. Much softer than the carpet at home. That carpet was covered in blood – mostly his, but others’ as well, like that bunny kid – and had stiffened a long time ago.

“e-everythin’?” he managed to ask, almost proud he only stuttered a little. Cherry bowed his head and stared on his legs. That way he only had to feel the gazes on him, not see them. It was a little better. There was a short silence. Then:

“NO,” Boss said, almost carefully. “YOU CAN START WITH TELLING US WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT YOUR PAPYRUS.”

Cherry’s dim eyelights glowed a little brighter. He smiled slightly, despite the trembles wracking his body at the mention of his Boss. He took in a winded breath and forced himself to look up at the native brothers.

“Boss i-is th’ coolest,” he began. Strangely enough Sans exhaled at that. He seemed relieved. “th’ li-lieutenant of th’ royal g-g-guard, ‘n’ a favourite o’ ‘is majesty. undyne's g-got nothin’ on ‘im. th’ only reason she’s not d-dust and Boss isn’t th’ c-captain is that Boss respects her. c-completely ruthless and merciless. th' st-strongest, ‘cept for ‘is majesty, o’ course.”

His breathing had calmed and his soul was no longer trying to beat its way out of his chest. Talking about how awesome Boss was he could do all day. If he didn’t have to mention himself. Just thinking about having to talk about how pathetic he was made Cherry start to sweat again. Everyone knew it, he couldn’t understand why they kept making him say it.

“AND WHAT DOES YOUR BROTHER THINK ABOUT YOU?”

Sans listened as Cherry spoke about his brother. He grinned, recognizing himself in it. The comment about Undyne was almost a little worrying, and so was the ‘merciless’-thing, but in the end, it could be chalked up to their world. It seemed crueller than theirs. Otherwise, it was so familiar it almost wasn’t funny.

He felt shame travel through his spine, and he shivered. Tears formed in his eye sockets and he had to fight to keep them back. He was such a crybaby. Boss hated when he cried. Unless it was during punishment, during those he seemed to appreciate tears. Boss once said that covered in bruises and tears and blood were the only times Cherry wasn’t disgusting to look at. Ever since, he had almost wanted to be punished. Just to please Boss. Almost.

He swallowed. Cherry closed his eye sockets for a short moment. Just to buy himself some time before he had to tell this version of Boss and himself how revolting he was.

“m-m-me?” He let out laugh and hunched his shoulders. “i-i-i’m a b-bother, a-a l-loathsome waste o’ sp-space. o-only good as a p-p-punchin’ b-bag ‘n’ ‘a-ardly even th-that. w-weak, ‘n’ annoyin’ ‘n’ u-ugly t’ l-look at. th' only r-r-reason 'm n-n-not e-exp is B-Boss’ s-se-sentimentality. he's told me that enough times for it t’ be clear.”

As he spoke, the others two monsters’ expressions grew more and more horrified. That was the only word Cherry had to describe them, and it didn’t fit at all. It wasn’t logical. Why would they look horrified? It was only the truth. He forced himself to take deep breaths. He flinched and whimpered as both of them suddenly were in front of him. Way too close. Only decimetres away. He wanted to recoil, but that would certainly anger them even more. Cherry felt a tear drop down his cheek, and furiously wiped it off with his sleeve. Why did he have to be such an embarrassment?

“hey, yer no…” Sans began to say, only to be interrupted by a loud knocking on the door. Cherry jumped high at it, and whimpered again. Boss swore loudly.

“THE DOGI. THEY’RE HERE TO LEAVE THEIR WEEKLY REPORT,” he stated. His brows furrowed and his mouth was a tight, edgy line. He trembled more at that, Boss seemed mad. “I COMPLETELY FORGOT. SANS, GET CHERRY INTO YOUR ROOM OR SOMETHING, THEY CAN’T SEE HIM. BE BACK AFTER.”

Cherry flinched as hand quickly grabbed him, and he felt himself getting dragged into the Void. It did not feel good. Taking shortcuts were one thing, but being a passenger was truly awful. Within seconds he was sitting on the floor of a familiar room. Except his one was dirty in a way his hadn’t been for years. Boss detested how he let his room get messy.

He didn’t anymore.

“stay ‘ere, be quiet,” Sans ordered him before leaving him behind. Cherry nodded, despite the other’s back being turned to him, and curled into a ball on the dirty rug.

“y-yes, sir.”

Don’t move and stay silent. That was the only order he managed to follow most of the times. Not always though. Sometimes he was in so much pain or his nightmares got so bad that he simply couldn’t. He wasn’t even able to always follow such a simple command.

He was so repulsive.

Sans’ frame shook as he closed the door behind him. This was all kinds of wrong. He didn’t want to believe what this was implying. He didn’t… A Papyrus couldn’t be so terrible. Not toward his Sans. Yet…

Was there another conclusion to draw here?

To hear and see someone who looked so much like himself filled with so much self-hatred was horrendous. He wasn’t the most self-loving monster Underground, but this kind of disgust for oneself was something new entirely. Not even growing up in New Home he had seen something like it. And he had seen all kinds of things there. Sans took a couple deep breaths to steady himself. His hands were trembling. He quickly shoved them into his pockets. The dogs were here. He couldn’t break down now.

He put back the lazy, threatening grin on his face and went downstairs.  Acting confident when not feeling like it was the first thing they had been taught as babybones. Their key to survival.

The dogs yipped in greeting as they saw him. They lowered their heads in submission but wagged their tails to show they were glad to see him. Sans chuckled, petting Lesser’s head as he walked by. They were good dogs, despite the climate of their world. Sans’ hand froze for a moment as he wondered how the Dogi was in Cherry’s ‘verse. He had been terrified of them as well. Lesser threw him a questioning, almost worried, gaze. Shaking his head slightly Sans smirked back. No worries. Lesser licked his hand.

“WELL,” boss said as they all had taken their usual seats. The dogs saluted. “REPORT.” Dogaressa, as the leader of the unit, immediately stood. She began to go through everything that had happened in Snowdin the last week. Most of it was things they knew already. Sans yawned, but his brother nodded as she spoke. Ever the dutiful soldier. The food transport had come safely – duh. Some criminals from Hotland had tried to rob the shop and had been dusted.  A brawl had broken out on Grillby’s. Sans had been there, encouraged the whole thing. He grinned at the memory. It had been hilarious to watch Grillby throw them out and give them a month’s ban from the bar.

As soon as she had finished and Boss had nodded his permission, she sat down again. The dogs sniffed the air, looking slightly disturbed.

“Is other Sans okay?” Dogamy asked. His ears were pressed closely to his head.

“This place smells of fear.” Doggo added, lifting his nose into the air for good measure. The brothers glanced at each other, unsure what to say. Eventually Papyrus crossed his arms, staring at the dogs.

“THAT IS NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS,” he declared, and they winced and immediately showed of their throats again. At that, the look on Papyrus’ face softened. Just a tad, just enough for Sans to see it. “BUT IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW, HE’S HAVING A BAD TIME. YOU NEED NOT WORRY THOUGH. I AM SURE WE WILL BE ABLE TO FIX IT WITH ENOUGH TIME.”

“(We want to help!)” Dogaressa quickly said, and Greater Dog panted in agreement. Papyrus petted her head once, and she smiled.

“GOOD DOG.” A happy gasp. “BUT AS IT IS, WE WILL HANDLE IT. I WILL TELL YOU IF WE REQUIRE ASSISTANCE. AND THAT IS MY FINAL DESCISION.”

“Lieutentant!” The dogs all saluted at that, accepting what Papyrus told them. Sans supressed a smile. It was kind of funny how loyal they’d gotten to them, seeing how they fought them when they first came to Snowdin. Although, he guessed it wasn’t too weird. Papyrus was probably the first officer they had who treated them fairly, just like he treated everyone fairly. From what he had heard, basically every officer in the Royal Guard were complete assholes except for boss and Undyne. The only ones with any kind of morals and sense for earning respect instead of immediately commanding it.

He plucked a cigarette out of his inventory and lightened it. Inhaling, he sighed in relief. It wasn’t long-lived though.

“SANS!” Papyrus complained. He frowned and glared at him. “I’VE TOLD YOU NOT TO SMOKE IN THE FUCKING HOUSE. I DON’T WANT THAT DISGUSTING SMELL INSIDE. GO OUT IF YOU NECESSARILY HAVE TO DO IT.”

“sure thing, boss,” he sighed and stood up. He wasn’t going to put out a brand-new cigarette. Well out on the porch he watched the denizens of their little town go on with their daily business. Everyone was glaring at everyone, warning them to get closer. Except the kids. Sans almost smiled as the children played on the streets, unbothered by the hostility around them. The only ones safe around here. Even if it hadn’t been illegal, boss would’ve flipped his shit if anyone had killed someone still in stripes.

As one of the bears looked up at him, though, he immediately stopped. Instead he changed it into a cocky smirk, and lifted the cigarette in greeting. Exhaled the smoke. The bear averted his eyes after a few moments.

Sans let out another relieved sigh as he felt the cold wind hit his face. This was so much better than being caught inside with either the frankly worrying Cherry or the dogs talking about stuff he didn’t care about one bit.

Perhaps he’d go to Grillby’s tonight again. Alone this time. Get drunk of his ass and not have to think about the possibility that Cherry had been abused by his Papyrus. The possibility he almost couldn’t deny after what he had heard.

Yeah. That sounded like a really fucking good idea.

Cherry wailed quietly as he heard steps. He hadn’t moved. He was being good. He had almost not made a single sound. There was no reason he would be punished, right? They hadn’t punished him yet even when he had messed up.  

They were probably just biding their time. Waiting until he felt safe before striking. That had happened one too many times. Both with Boss and with others, such as Grillby.

These steps didn’t sound like they came from anyone his size, which was strange. They were far too quiet and quick. Suddenly something soft pressed again his hand. Cherry swallowed, and looked down. It was that cat again. Doomfanger purred, and licked his hand. He let out a giggle. It tickled. Those amber eyes stared at him. But they were soft. There was nothing threatening in that body language as Doomfanger buffed his hand again.

Hesitantly, Cherry lifted his hand. He held his breath as he put it on the cat’s head. He had done this before, but both Boss and Sans had been there then. Nothing happened. The spinning only got louder. He almost smiled as he slowly stroked the cat’s back. He froze as the cat let out a meow. When nothing else happened, he moved his hand again. The fur was so soft. The softest thing he had ever felt. His shoulders fell and his breathing level out as he felt tension disappear.

He continued to pet the cat, who eventually climbed into his lap and lied down. Like he had done to Boss before. It was… nice. Yeah. Nice. Cherry’s eyelids dropped and he yawned. He was getting sleepy. He hadn’t felt this relaxed in he didn’t know how long. Doomfanger licked his hand again, and purred even louder. Huh. He wondered how loud the cat could be. He yawned again.

The next thing he knew, he was curled up on the mattress – which was much softer than his own – and covered in a blanket. Doomfanger was still there, resting on his head. Cherry hadn’t had a blanket for years. Boss took once when the temperature got lower than normal; he deserved it, Cherry did not. He hadn’t been able to argue with that, and afterward he simply hadn’t gotten it back. He frowned slightly at the restricting feeling. Still. It was warm. Pleasant. This was so weird.

As he began to move slightly, Doomfanger woke up. He licked Cherry’s cheek and then disappeared out through the slightly open door. Cherry stayed, thinking about whether it would be acceptable to just stay in bed for a while. Normally the answer would be a clear no, but someone had even tucked him in, so perhaps.

After a few minutes, the door opened slowly, and Boss was standing there, the cat by his feet. He just gave Cherry a short glance, but it didn’t look hostile, before putting down the tray he held in his hands next to the shorter.

On it a steaming cup of coffee and a plate with pancakes stood. Cherry stared at it, wondering if that was for him. The last two days’ happenings did make him believe it was quite likely, yet… breakfast in the bed? With luxuries like coffee? Whoa.

“IT IS FOR YOU, YES,” Boss said like he had read his mind. “EAT UP, BUT DO TAKE YOUR TIME. ONCE YOU’RE FINISHED I’D APPRECIATE IF YOU CAME DOWNSTAIRS.”

“o-o’ course, Boss,” he stammered, almost wondering if he had heard right. Why was Boss so polite to him? The only monsters Boss had ever bothered being polite with was Undyne and the King – and of course his officers when he had others than Undyne. Boss winced slightly.

“ABOUT THAT. WOULD IT BE OKAY IF YOU CALLED ME PAPYRUS INSTEAD? BOSS IS WHAT SANS CALLS ME, AND THE IMPLICATIONS WHEN YOU DO IT IS NOT VERY COMFORTABLE. I WON’T FORCE YOU, BUT I WOULD APPRECIATE IT.”

Cherry gaped at that. He got permission to use his Boss’ first name? He hadn’t done that since they were babybones.

“’c-c-course Bo… papyrus. whatever ya wish.”

[uniformbravo]

time for... a story

back in 9th grade art class i had this painting assignment & i decided to do fanart for a fic i was obsessed w/ at the time and this painting was coming out so good i was literally so proud of it, i didn’t finish it in time for the due date but i took it home to finish it on my own bc i just loved it that much

my room was incredibly messy at the time, i would have these giant piles of papers & notebooks n shit all over my bed and the floor surrounding, and that’s where this painting went. which was completely fine with me because i’m an “organized mess” kind of person (i literally still remember years later exactly where the painting was in that particular mess) but my mom is distinctly the opposite so she made me clean the whole disaster eventually, and i somehow lost track of the painting

several months and multiple fruitless searches later i resigned myself to the fact that i’d probably accidentally thrown it out in my big cleanup and would never see it again (though i was still intensely confused about how i managed to lose it because i literally just had no memory of moving it, it just. straight up disappeared)

years have passed since then and every now and again i remember that painting and feel regretfully wistful (and still very confused) and wonder what happened to it and wish i could see it just one more time, because at this point i only really have a vague recollection of what was on it- a composition divided into quadrants illustrating different parts of the fic i was basing it on, a torn piece of lined paper in the center (because the fic’s title was “lined paper”), and in the top right corner this tree that i was super proud of, i remember thinking it was the best tree i’d drawn in my entire life

so honestly whenever i remember this painting i mostly think of that tree and my strong feelings towards it and that’s the main thing i’m curious about, wanting to see that damn tree again to find out what was so special about it, because like. i’m a better artist now, i’ve improved so much, if i saw it again it probably wouldn’t even be that good, right? but i think this tree in particular was the first one that i was like “hell yeah” about and influenced the way i’ve drawn trees ever since then, so like it’s a big deal right. i really miss this tree

the last time i thought about it (before right now, i mean) was actually earlier this week, on my way home from my painting class? usually painting in general reminds me of this painting because the last time i actually painted with, like, acrylics was in high school for this class, so i just have that strong association built in, so when i think of painting i think of the painting so i was thinking about that on my way home from class and feeling the regret that comes with it like man if only i could just see it again, what even happened to it, etc. etc.

anyway, my sister is working on a drawing right now, she says she suddenly got struck with inspiration and wants to hold onto it for as long as possible to finish this piece she’s working on (which is honestly very pretty, it’s a sunset scene and the colors are so soft and vibrant)

she started it the other day, and she wanted to work with colored pencils, but she couldn’t find the big box of colored pencils that we keep around for people to use, so instead she went and got out this, like... one of those big ol’ art boxes that have a myriad of random supplies like colored pencils & oil pastels & shit like that?? we’ve had this one literally forever and it’s just kind of been sitting around for most of that time, but it’s finally gotten some use because our colored pencil shoebox happens to be mia atm

this morning i noticed a notebook on the floor by the couch (my sister’s workspace) with some, like, papers sticking out? and on top of the notebook is some mail addressed to my sister, and i don’t recognize this sketchbook at all, so obviously it’s hers. from what i’ve seen in the past, her art style is is pretty... eccentric? is that the right word? lemme google this

ok that sounds meaner than i meant ghhdg uhh idk, the best way i can think of to explain it is that her people look like they’d work really well as illustrations for scary stories? there’s something almost creepy or unsettling about them, but in a good way, like i’m pretty sure she’s doing it on purpose

anyway, i bring it up because there’s this drawing sticking out of the notebook and it looks like her style because there’s this creepy-lookin dude that totally matches her types of drawings so im like “cool” and go back to what im doing

then, later, i happen to look at it again, and fuckin..... it’s the top of the page that’s sticking out. and there’s this..... tree. in the top right corner. and im like

Huh

so i pull out the drawing, which actually turns out to be a half-finished painting, and sure e-fuckin-nough it is The painting

needless to say i was losing my shit on this fine sunday morning like goddamn i haven’t seen this thing in like 7 years i thought it was gone forever and that i’d never see it again i mourned this painting so many times and here it is, literally holding it in my hands, back from the fucking dead like a zombie (which is thematically appropriate because “lined paper” was a horror story)

like, that’s why i thought it was my sister’s drawing? because it was creepy-lookin? i didn’t even recognize my own style smh. on the back there’s a little color key and i had forgotten about this but the reason it was divided into four sections was because the assignment was color harmonies! we were supposed to paint a single image but in each quadrant use different colors for different harmonies, like complementary, triadic, cool, and some other shit that im too lazy to look at but u get the picture

so after i got over being reunited with my fuckin long-lost painting i had to wonder why my sister had it, right. back in the day she used to steal our stuff, like all the time? she doesn’t do it anymore so we’re cool lol dw but like since this was so long ago i wondered if maybe she had taken it back then & just forgotten about it?

so i asked her abt it when she got home (i had to wait a few hours but honestly?? whats a few hours to several years) and she said the notebook was fuckin.... in the art box. just like. in there. this entire time it was in this goddamn shitty art supply box that nobody ever uses bc we have better art supplies around and the only reason it got pulled out of its cobweb-ridden corner of the house was because said superior art supplies were missing. so if my sister had been able to find the colored pencils i never would have found this fucking painting, we probably would have just eventually donated the box w/o checking inside & someone somewhere out there would’ve gotten this extra half-finished creepy fuckin painting w/ my name written in huge letters across the back in their new box of art supplies oh god

anyway i wasn’t gonna do this but i’d feel bad if i didn’t include a picture of the damn thing at this point so here it is

warnings for blood, gore, implied suicide imagery, & general spooky horror story type stuff

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i drew this 7 yrs ago dont judge ok

the fic itself has long since been deleted from ffn (rip) but from what i remember: it was a south park fic & focused on slenderman? i was completely new to horror & had never heard of slenderman before so the story rly spooked me lol he would like show up through any reflective surface so i was scared of mirrors for a while

i wish i could remember the significance of all the shit i included here lol i mean we got slendy in there a couple times, that much is obvious... i don’t even know what the tree is supposed to mean it’s just some random tree at this point

im p sure that’s stan & kyle in the bottom right, and that’s probably stan again in the top left? he’s like bleeding kenny’s initials tho idk why that’s happening (those are kenny’s initials right. kenneth james or smth). that’s gotta be tweek in the mirror at top middle just look at his shirt, and as for bottom left uhhh i think that’s craig?? i actually specifically remember that chapter, something about a baseball game & craig was pissed off and went off to the bathroom alone & then black tentacles happened, so that’s what’s happening in the drawing

anyway. aaanyway. that’s a fuckin mystery solved now, right. i cant believe it was in that dumbass case the whole time i stg??? thank u for listening 2 my story i spent too long on it & now it’s 2:45 am bye

[moucchi]

yo.... i respect my ap eng teacher so much. it hasnt even been a semester yet and i owe so much to this woman i found it hard writin my letter bc lol... personal stuff and i based it on something i only ever keep inside my head and never took the time to vent about or examine i didnt even plan on SUBMITTING IT and she graded it and i surprisingly got a higher grade than expected

some points had to be taken off for lateness and when i read what she had to read i was so EMBARRASSED, i literally left _ <—- these blank spaces along the doc because i couldnt bring myself to label what i was feeling or what i suspected i could be going through

i thought ok you know what i mightve worked on it but a zero is fine. its completely fine she doesnt need to read that and i dont gotta worry abt anything

i was mainly afraid she was going to think i was some edgy kid who needed to get over herself or start takin pity on me or confront me for an explanation or criticize it or SOMETHING. something bad ask me to explain physics to u ill take the time but emotions.. homie i dont even understand my deal myself explaining what i feel to u as something concrete aint happenin

i actually got... some really good commentary. and me, being impatient and thinkin opening her comments while in class was a good idea, read what she said and almost started crying. n then i went back to read what i wrote and i really almost started crying man i was blinking out tears not sad emo ones but

she made it sound like she was proud of me??? and like. i would have expected anyone to be mad. two weeks later and i submit a document about how much of a mess i am with a bunch of unfilled blanks. but she already knew my motivation was awful, n now im hearing “look what you can do when you put your mind to something.”

she proofreads our work when she grades it— the one correction i did see on my doc was to add a period. she never asked what the blanks were, didnt even try to fill them. i could not be any more grateful.

ive mainly been raised off of threats and punishments to a degree, not to the point of ab*se but to the point where i would never disclose anything in that letter to my parents ever. if they saw it the blanks would get picked apart— questioned. id go another two months without drawing because i didnt finish a project, regardless of if it was because i didnt care or if parts of me just didnt seem to be cooperating, etc. n last year my eng honours teacher also kind of used fear and threats to try and spark motivation in me as well, which obviously didnt work. if you tell a kid the obvious; “if you dont hand this in your gpa will crumble.” i mean... ive said its not because i dont care...... and i know this already..... listen.....

the leap from getting told to expect the worst for my future because of something thats pretty tough for me to control in the first place to getting encouraged n getting help while also getting that firm “you need to get this done” feels so good. and im sure that without id be crying right now about low grades i should have been expecting.

i uh. just needed to get this out ig i really do wish the best for that woman the fact that teachers are never obligated to help u is so big. they might give extra credit opportunities and chase u down for missing assignments, which is more than their job probably even requires and is certainly deserving of appreciation— but teachers that care abt their students mental health and work ethic and improvement so much as to get involved? real ones.

i doubt im gonna get typing away every time i get assigned something new but like. i can try. positive feedback that ive improved and when i try i can get somewhere, the idea that trying is even worth it? that pushes me and hits me a lot more than the idea that not trying could cause everything to crumble. mainly bc u could try ur best, and work hard too, and stuff can still go majorly, majorly wrong, and then uve done all that for what?

but hearin u worked harder than u did back then, not only that, but it paid off AND u accomplished this? oh man. thats... thats nice.

[o666-999o]

im in a hotel with amanda in canmore writing this in bed with my eyes closed

im thikning about how i need to get better in various ways like

i need a job

i think i should.want tovolunteer at cjsw, which means first i hae to contact them and then go to an orientation

i want to feel good with amanda and i want her to feel good ith me

maybe i need to smoke less weed

why am i like stck 

it feels like i’m frozen or something

or not frozen but 

im stalled

or on the fence or something

about what? maybe on the ence is the wrong way o say it

what am i even saying

it’s like i want to say “it feels like there is osomthing wrong wiht me” but like im afraid to say something like that

i want to be able to say “i feel like im good at art” but 

art

music

am i good at that stuff?  my dedication and self-dicipline have , perhaps its fair to say , maye they’ve been lacking or in short suply over the years

i hae put a lot of time and effort   ,,,, and money! ,,, into )ugh i have that  i wrote moneytlike that but im still in the dark with mey eyes closed so i can’t backspace it _ gghhgh

gh

gh

im like

i feel pretty proud of the progress ive made with msic

i’ve always had the passion but my skills and inderstanding and all that , it wasn’t there

i was pretty bad at it i think probably actually ugh 

i dont like thinking  like that it doesnt feel good to like feel bad ugh lol

i think ive come a long way anyway

i think maybe ? i had more of an innate tallent for for art maybe?

maybE?

it came easier i think

but i didin’t stick with it

like seriously its like my life is a series of almost starting things

i left my kids

and was unable

was unable?

to push through all of the anxiety and fear and terror )terror?_) 

yeah i was fucking so afraid i felt like i could hardly move or breathe

i ocouldn’t push trhough it 

or like, get over myself?

to be there for them

yet i’ve hung on to it

i want to have been there

i want to be there

and yet i don’t

i’m n lsjkf

saglaskgj

i’m not

i’m not there

and i can’t let it go

and like

the art thing

i got into it and took to it naturally and got into art school

although i must admit

because i was 

wasa ?

i anyway i wonder now

did i have the tallent myself to get in?

because there were those figure drawings of nad’s that she let me put in the portfolio

to ensure my acceptance

because i didn’t have figure drawings

and i was with her daughter, i ghesS?

fuck

anyway i didn’t go to art school

i’ve just been like smoking pot and trying to get laid and having reckless relationships and making bad decisions and doing a lot of drugs and drinking and just aimlessly going

and here i am

ncertain and felling ill-positioned and ill-equipped to deal with it

i often question my existance and my experience and reality 

and i dont know what the fuck like

am i crazy

because i feel confused and scared and threatened

i isolate myself

like i cna’t get enough time alone

even though i spen basically all of my time alone

and i have this like longing to connect with people

but the actual experience of being with people is so like draining and exhausting and hard to deal with and mmaybe like sometimes or even often like not even like a good time?

like, a drag, man

and what am i

and where am i

like i mean i know im in bed in canmore in this weird hotel where the lightswitches are like down at mid thigh level for some reason? and the peep-hole in the door is also extremely low? like i had to stoop considerably to peep

but what is life

like, life, man

ugh pfff

guh

its just like

how can i make sense of all the information i take in about the world aroudn me, and how can i find my berrings in th

in wa;haracteristic of my behavior, or like would it be fair to describe it like, when the going tets tough, i bail?  i feel like there may be some truth in that

god am i like super evasive?

and like so ... hesitant?  the first wordi thought was squeemish

to like

commit

just keep on moving

running away

and i want to say like “and always trying to save the day” but idk if that’s tru tho, like, i just watched a dr who episode and that’s basically his character

not like all that stuff aforementioned,

just the part , the running, and the trying to save the day

have i just been going wherever the going is easy?

is all of this shit a cop out?

i’m on medication

and like

ok ok

two meds, welbutrin and concerta

and i have bene taking dexedrine also because i feel like the concerta is not enough

and i have all this dex i sourced illicitly

the other two are persrribed

rn i can’t even twll if i’m like just caught up in some fucking web of lies and self delusion and i’m just a fucking drug addict who is tring to escape reality

running away from the hard tstdifficult stuff, the gugly stuff, the unfortunate, the unpleasant, 

i’m only very recently

now i’m thirty three just recently mind you 

who am i talking to this is a locked tumblr

so im talking to me i guess

if i ever read this

i’m probly cringing

if i’m anything like i have been, lately?

my heart sinks when i wrote that

and im like torn, about being completely honest with my counselor and my pschiatrist about the dex

because im afraid that they will think im a drug addict or like a user or abuser or something

because like

it feels like it makes it better

but thats what it feels like when u get a fix for your thing right

a fix of

or whatever

but then like

what am i missing?

i’m not sure if that’s the case or what’s the cause but like, here i am

ddid i write cause up there if i did i meant case

k

like

here i am

idk if any of this makes sense

because i’mnot looking at it

just like streaming it out

is it fair to say that, i’ve stuck with music?

like there’s been this dogged persistance

like a stubborn refusal to accept that i had no tallent for it 

that i was bad at it

like did i want to be arock star or something?

i cant even handle the extreme minimal ammount of attention it seems

but like

do i want, admiration?

recogntion?  aproval, respect, esteem

my friends were all better at it than me

having been in band, i just picked up the bass to be in a punk band and i played the our notes and like didn’t understand anything but all this....something

passion?  energy?  

is it more focused now, or is there less of it

dik if its like that

kids are like that, full of spunk

right?

spunk gross

energy

zest wtf

vigour

vigor

spirit

but like

every time a path is laid out before me

like i got into art school, i just had to do it

but its like

i dont do it

and yet with music

it’s not a path

it’s like this fucking awful terrain

or even like, a wall or something

and yet that’s where  for some reason it seems for whatever reason i’m pursuing making music

just keep on going htat way

inching along

i probably know less about music theory now than my friends did coming out of highshool

but i’m becoming a pretty ,,good?  

music producer

im getting better anyway

for the first time im like finishing

songs

and feeling good about them

proud of them

listening to them over time and not feeling ashamed of them

and feeling like

i’m achieving someting

even though

no

one

hears my music

cares about it

and like i guess thats on me right

i dont share it

i hide it

as if like what

am i waiting for the people closest to me to express an interest in it?

maybe that would be nice but

thats not it

its like

its like

i dont wan t to show it, if its not good

show

share

present

 put out there

slkhg;aslkgj

like where am i reletive to everyhting or something?

who am i and what am i supposed to be doing

because like

is it fair to say that when the going gets tough 

what was i saying

has it been c

ok so i have been writing for so long with the screen off but it hasn’t been being typed

fuck this stupid shit anyway